Helping Kids
If your child tells you about a bully, focus on offering comfort and support, no matter how upset you are. Kids are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that it's happening, or worry that their parents will be disappointed.
Sometimes kids feel like it's their own fault, that if they looked or acted differently it wouldn't be happening. Sometimes they're scared that if the bully finds out that they told, it will get worse. Others are worried that their parents won't believe them or do anything about it. Or kids worry that their parents will urge them to fight back when they're scared to.
Praise your child for being brave enough to talk about it. Remind your child that he or she isn't alone- a lot of people get bullied at some point. Emphasize that it's the bully who is behaving badly- not your child. Reassure your child that you will figure out what to do about it together.
Sometimes an older sibling or friend can help deal with the situation. It may help your daughter to hear how the older sister she idolizes was teased about her braces and how she dealt with it. An older sibling or friend also might be able to give you some perspective on what's happening at school, or wherever the bullying is happening, and help you figure out the best solution.
Take is seriously if you hear that the bullying gets worse if the bully finds out that your child told. Sometimes it's useful to approach the bully's parents. In other cases, teachers or counselors are the best ones to contact first. If you've tried those methods and still want to speak to the bully child's parents, it's best to do so in a context where a school official, such as a counselor, can mediate.
Many states have bullying laws and policies. Find out about the laws in your community. In certain cases, if you have serious concerns about your child's safety, you may need to contact legal authorities.
Advice for Kids
The key to helping kids is providing strategies that deal with bullying on an everyday basis and also help restore their self-esteem and regain a sense of dignity.
It may be tempting to tell a kid to fight back. After all, you're angry that your child is suffering and maybe you were told to "stand up for yourself" when you were young. And you may worry that your child will continue to suffer at the hands of the bully.
But it's important to advise kids not to respond to bullying by fighting or bullying back. It can quickly escalate into violence, trouble, and someone getting injured. Instead, it's best to walk away from the situation, hang out with others, and tell an adult.
Here are some other strategies to discuss with kids that can help improve the situation and make them feel better:
-Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don't go to your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you're not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess- wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.
-Hold the anger. It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a "poker face" until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).
-Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you're showing that you don't care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
-Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.
-Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and even if they can't fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.
-Remove the incentives. If the bully is demanding your lunch money, start bringing your lunch. If he's trying to get your music player, don't bring it to school.
Reaching Out
At home you can lessen the impact of the bullying. Encourage your kids to get together with friends that help build their confidence. Help them meet other kids by joining clubs or sports programs. And find activities that can help a child feel confident and strong. Maybe it's a self defense class like karate or a movement or other gym class.
And just remember: as upsetting as bullying can be for you and your family, lots of people and resources are available to help.
Resource:
The Nemours Foundation. (2010). Helping kids deal with bullies. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/bullies.html
Friday, October 21, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
October is National Anti-bullying Month: Teaching a Child NOT to Bully
Helping Kids Stop Bullying
Let your child know that bullying is unacceptable and that there will be serious consequences at home, school, and in the community if it continues.
Try to understand the reasons behind your child's behavior. In some cases, kids bully because they have trouble managing strong emotions like anger, frustration, or insecurity. In other cases, kids haven't learned cooperative ways to work out conflicts and understand differences.
Tactics to Try
Be sure to:
-Take bullying seriously. Make sure your kids understand that you will not tolerate bullying at home or anywhere else. Establish rules about bullying and stick to them. If you punish your child by taking away privileges, be sure it's meaningful. For example, if your child bullies other kids via email, text messages, or a social networking sites, dock phone or computer privileges for a period of time. If your child acts aggressively at home, with siblings or others, put a stop to it. Teach more appropriate (and nonviolent) ways to react, like walking away.
-Teach kids to treat others with respect and kindness. Teach your child that it is wrong to ridicule differences (i.e., race, religion, appearance, special needs, gender, economic status) and try to instill a sense of empathy for those who are different. Consider getting involved together in a community group where your child can interact with kids who are different.
-Learn about your child's social life. Look for insight into the factors that may be influencing your child's behavior in the school environment (or wherever the bulling is occurring). Talk with parents of your child's friends and peers, teachers, guidance counselors, and the school principal. Do other kids bully? What about your child's friends? What kinds of pressures do the kids face at school? Talk to your kids about those relationships and about the pressures to fit in. Get them involved in activities outside of school so that they meet and develop friendships with other kids.
-Encourage good behavior. Positive reinforcement can be more powerful than negative discipline. Catch your kids being good- and when they handle situations in ways that are constructive or positive, take notice and praise them for it.
-Set a good example. Think carefully about how you talk around your kids and how you handle conflict and problems. If you behave aggressively- toward or in front of your kids- chances are they'll follow your example. Instead, point out positive in others, rather than negatives. And when conflicts arise in your own life, be open about the frustrations you have and how you cope with your feelings.
Starting at Home
When looking for the influences on your child's behavior, look first at what's happening at home. Kids who live with yelling, name calling, putdowns, harsh criticism, or physical anger from a sibling or parent/caregiver may act that out in other settings.
It's natural- and common- for kids to fight with their siblings at home. And unless there's a risk of physical violence it is wise not to get involved. But monitor the name calling and any physical altercations and be sure to talk to each child regularly about what's acceptable and what's not.
It's important to keep your own behavior in check too. Watch how you talk to your kids, and how you react to your own strong emotions when they're around. There will be situations that warrant discipline and constructive criticism. But take care not to let that slip into name calling and accusations. If you're not pleased with your child's behavior, stress that it's the behavior that you'd like your child to change, and you have confidence that he or she can do it.
If your family is going through a stressful life event that you feel may have contributed to your child's behavior, reach out for help from the resources at school and in your community. Guidance counselors, pastors, therapists, and your doctor can help.
Getting Help
To help a child stop bullying, talk with teachers, guidance counselors, and other school officials who can help you identify situations that lead to bullying and provide assistance.
Your doctor also might be able to help. If your child has a history of arguing, defiance, and trouble controlling anger, consider an evaluation with a therapist or behavioral health professional.
As difficult and frustrating as it can be to help kids stop bullying, remember that bad behavior won't just stop on its own. Think about the success and happiness you want your kids to find in school, work, and relationships throughout life, and know that curbing bullying now is progress toward these goals.
Resource
The Nemours Foundation. (2010). Teaching kids not to bully. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/no_bullying.html#
Let your child know that bullying is unacceptable and that there will be serious consequences at home, school, and in the community if it continues.
Try to understand the reasons behind your child's behavior. In some cases, kids bully because they have trouble managing strong emotions like anger, frustration, or insecurity. In other cases, kids haven't learned cooperative ways to work out conflicts and understand differences.
Tactics to Try
Be sure to:
-Take bullying seriously. Make sure your kids understand that you will not tolerate bullying at home or anywhere else. Establish rules about bullying and stick to them. If you punish your child by taking away privileges, be sure it's meaningful. For example, if your child bullies other kids via email, text messages, or a social networking sites, dock phone or computer privileges for a period of time. If your child acts aggressively at home, with siblings or others, put a stop to it. Teach more appropriate (and nonviolent) ways to react, like walking away.
-Teach kids to treat others with respect and kindness. Teach your child that it is wrong to ridicule differences (i.e., race, religion, appearance, special needs, gender, economic status) and try to instill a sense of empathy for those who are different. Consider getting involved together in a community group where your child can interact with kids who are different.
-Learn about your child's social life. Look for insight into the factors that may be influencing your child's behavior in the school environment (or wherever the bulling is occurring). Talk with parents of your child's friends and peers, teachers, guidance counselors, and the school principal. Do other kids bully? What about your child's friends? What kinds of pressures do the kids face at school? Talk to your kids about those relationships and about the pressures to fit in. Get them involved in activities outside of school so that they meet and develop friendships with other kids.
-Encourage good behavior. Positive reinforcement can be more powerful than negative discipline. Catch your kids being good- and when they handle situations in ways that are constructive or positive, take notice and praise them for it.
-Set a good example. Think carefully about how you talk around your kids and how you handle conflict and problems. If you behave aggressively- toward or in front of your kids- chances are they'll follow your example. Instead, point out positive in others, rather than negatives. And when conflicts arise in your own life, be open about the frustrations you have and how you cope with your feelings.
Starting at Home
When looking for the influences on your child's behavior, look first at what's happening at home. Kids who live with yelling, name calling, putdowns, harsh criticism, or physical anger from a sibling or parent/caregiver may act that out in other settings.
It's natural- and common- for kids to fight with their siblings at home. And unless there's a risk of physical violence it is wise not to get involved. But monitor the name calling and any physical altercations and be sure to talk to each child regularly about what's acceptable and what's not.
It's important to keep your own behavior in check too. Watch how you talk to your kids, and how you react to your own strong emotions when they're around. There will be situations that warrant discipline and constructive criticism. But take care not to let that slip into name calling and accusations. If you're not pleased with your child's behavior, stress that it's the behavior that you'd like your child to change, and you have confidence that he or she can do it.
If your family is going through a stressful life event that you feel may have contributed to your child's behavior, reach out for help from the resources at school and in your community. Guidance counselors, pastors, therapists, and your doctor can help.
Getting Help
To help a child stop bullying, talk with teachers, guidance counselors, and other school officials who can help you identify situations that lead to bullying and provide assistance.
Your doctor also might be able to help. If your child has a history of arguing, defiance, and trouble controlling anger, consider an evaluation with a therapist or behavioral health professional.
As difficult and frustrating as it can be to help kids stop bullying, remember that bad behavior won't just stop on its own. Think about the success and happiness you want your kids to find in school, work, and relationships throughout life, and know that curbing bullying now is progress toward these goals.
Resource
The Nemours Foundation. (2010). Teaching kids not to bully. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/no_bullying.html#
October is National Anti-bullying Month: Warning Signs
Signs your child is being bullied:
*Comes home with damaged or missing clothing or belongings
*Reports losing items such as books, electronics, clothing, or jewelry
*Has unexplained injuries
*Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or feeling sick
*Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
*Has changes in eating habits
*Hurts themselves
*Are very hungry after school from not eating their lunch
*Runs away from home
*Loses interest in visiting or talking with friends
*Is afraid of going to school or other activities with peers
*Loses interest in school work or begins to do poorly in school
*Appears sad, moody, angry, anxious or depressed when they came home
*Talks about suicide
*Feels helpless
*Often feels like they are not good enough
*Blames themselves for their problems
*Suddenly has fewer friends
*Avoids certain places
*Acts differently than usual
Signs your child is a bully:
*Becomes violent with others
*Gets into physical or verbal fights with others
*Gets sent to the principal’s office or detention a lot
*Has extra money or new belongings that cannot be explained
*Is quick to blame others
*Will not accept responsibility for their actions
*Has friends who bully others
*Needs to win or be best at everything
Resource:
Stopbullying.gov. (n.d.) Recognizing the warning signs. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from www.stopbullying.gov/topics/warning_signs/
October is National Anti-bullying Month: Stats
-An estimated 30% of 6th to 10th graders in the United States were either a bully, a target of bullying, or both (CDC.gov, 2009).
-In 2007, 5.5% of kids did not go to school on at least one day in a 30 day period because they felt unsafe at school, on the way to school or on the way home from school (CDC.gov, 2009).
-Statistics from a 2007 survey suggest that bullying impacts nearly 1 out of every 3 students in middle school and high school (NICHD, 2010).
-1 out of 9, or approximately 2.8 million teenagers, reported that they had been pushed, shoved, tripped, or spit on during the last school year (2006) while another 1.5 million students reported being threatened with physical harm (NICHD, 2010).
-In the same 2007 survey, 900,000 high school students report being cyberfullied (NICHD, 2010).
-According to the CDC in 2010, 32% of students reported being bullied in the 2007 school year.
Resources:
Center for Disease Control & Prevention. (2009). Youth violence: Facts at a glance. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/YV_DataSheet_Summer2009-a.pdf
Center for Disease Control & Prevention. (2010). Youth violence: Facts at a glance. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/YV_DataSheet_Summer2009-a.pdf
National Institute of Child Health & Human Development. (2010). Taking a stand against bullying. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from www.nichd.nih.gov/news/resources/spotlight/092110-taking-stand-against-bullying.cfm
-In 2007, 5.5% of kids did not go to school on at least one day in a 30 day period because they felt unsafe at school, on the way to school or on the way home from school (CDC.gov, 2009).
-Statistics from a 2007 survey suggest that bullying impacts nearly 1 out of every 3 students in middle school and high school (NICHD, 2010).
-1 out of 9, or approximately 2.8 million teenagers, reported that they had been pushed, shoved, tripped, or spit on during the last school year (2006) while another 1.5 million students reported being threatened with physical harm (NICHD, 2010).
-In the same 2007 survey, 900,000 high school students report being cyberfullied (NICHD, 2010).
-According to the CDC in 2010, 32% of students reported being bullied in the 2007 school year.
Resources:
Center for Disease Control & Prevention. (2009). Youth violence: Facts at a glance. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/YV_DataSheet_Summer2009-a.pdf
Center for Disease Control & Prevention. (2010). Youth violence: Facts at a glance. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/YV_DataSheet_Summer2009-a.pdf
National Institute of Child Health & Human Development. (2010). Taking a stand against bullying. Retrieved October 13, 2011, from www.nichd.nih.gov/news/resources/spotlight/092110-taking-stand-against-bullying.cfm
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